Cameras and Mothers

I had noticed a tiny 'light leak' in my dearest possession in the process of scanning my images. Not in every frame, but many, and going back many months. This morning, I shot a roll through both film backs, on mostly white walls to test this theory. I went out to shoot, came home to pick up the negatives, and then camped out in the basement to scan samples from each set. Alas. It is a real leak.

I was on the phone with my mother at the same time and decided to tell her about this, because it made me so suddenly sad. Somehow it came up that, yes, this was a camera my dad had given me, and yes, he would have bought it when they were together. I could feel the ground slipping out from under me, and I was going to tumble down that muddy filthy cliff no matter what I did.

But I still tried to save myself, to stop it.

As she began to try to reiterate whatever wrong in her marriage was associated with this camera, I spoke more loudly about how sad it was and it was rebuilt, and yes, I looked up the serial number and the camera was from 1967 after all, but still...

I don't think she heard me.
"It was after you were born, and I was working at the bank..."

"The camera was used, mom; it was made in 1967. Now I have to decide if I will buy another one for $2K along with the $2.5k for the scanner..."

"I don't know if it was used, but he bought it in 1980..."

I couldn't seem to sway her. She was determined to go there. I just couldn't take it.

What I would have liked to have said, I didn't. I hope you believe me when I say I have managed to say such things to her in the past with excellent results, but the energy was beyond me.

I wanted to say, "Look, mom, I get it. You hate my dad. You had a terrible marriage and you are going to hate him forever and ever and you have no intention whatsoever to get over it. I get it. But you know what? I am related to him and I always will be and you just have to deal with it. Now will you actually listen to what I am talking about or do I need to hang up?"

Instead I changed the subject and hurried to the end of the call.

I'm still sad about the camera.

This song by OK Go shuffled onto my iTunes as I typed this post. Serendipity.